Monday, July 16, 2007
Goodbye, Brownie. Helloooooo, Biscuit!
So last week sometime I mentioned that our old refrigerator just didn't seem so cold anymore and after vacuuming the hell out of it, leveling it, turning it off/turning it on, our landlady decided it was high time to get us a new one.

"I would hire someone to come take a look at it but I'd hate to spend the time and money doing that if they don't make parts for the fridge that's a few years old."

That's when I read to her the sticker on the inside of the freezer door: "Avocado, Coppertone and New Harvest colors available in Summer, 1968."

"Yeah, it's a few years old," said the landlady.

If the refrigerator were a child, it would have been in kindergarten the year I was born. So, yeah, it was few years old. 40 to be exact, and poop brown was the first in the series to be manufactured.

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No, John isn't giving me the finger
but you can see Brownie, the poop-brown
fridge,in the background.



Saturday rolls around and the landlady asks for Brownie's measurements and cubic footage. I told her I just need cold air, no fancy gadgets just fresh milk, thank you very much, and on Sunday, she leaves a message that the new fridge will be delivered on Tuesday.

Except at 6:57 am this morning I get a call that-Surprise!-they are coming today. As in Monday today. So I start running around like my hair's on fire because we are NOT ready for this. The schedule, in my head, was: remove magnets Monday morning, clear off the top of the fridge clean out the old stuff we didn't want to keep Monday night and ask the neighbors to hold some frozen stuff for us until our new Whirlpool was up and running Tuesday. All we had to do was surround our perishables with ice on Tuesday morning in coolers and wait for Lowe's.

But that plan just wasn't going to cut it. No, the plan went something like this:

6:57 am"Good morning. I know I told you the refrigerator was coming Tuesday but they called and said they are coming TODAY."

6:58 - 6:59 am "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?"

7:00 - 7:49:30 am Formulate game plan; leave a message with Lowe's for ETA, get kids ready for sitter, take shower, get dressed, call the city to arrange for removal of the old fridge.

7:50 am "Hi, I know you are waiting for Lowe's to call you back with an ETA but they're coming. In ten minutes."
7:51 - 7:52 am"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? WHERE'S MY FOUR HOUR WINDOW?"

7:55 - 7:59 am Run combs through kids' hair, pack lunches and other necessities and throw it into the stroller, then physically push them out the door.

8:00 am "HiPeggy.Howwasyourweekend?
Herearethekids.Lunchispacked,icreammoneyincooler.
Gottarun.We'regettinganewrefrigerator.Callmeifyouneedanything!" (It really is possible to talk without coming up for air that early in the morning.)


8:01 am Knock, knock. "Lowe's! We have a refrigerator for you!"

Now, at this point, the only thing I've managed to do is take the magnets off the refrigerator and I only got that far because Sophie helped me before she left. Then the delivery men trotted back out front to find out who was squawking their head off and honking their car horn. It was a very klassy woman, screaming at the truck driver to get the f-out of her way, she's late and works for Mayor Bloomberg, suspiciously drives a car with New Jersey plates (even though she works for the mayor of New York City) and according to her "he can't block the street, goddammit!"

I went back inside because Mayor Bloomberg's hysterical aide was not doing anything to help the headache I was developing and started by putting the milk and other perishables in the coolers, then cleared out the freezer and put the frozen items in a giant pile in the sink. Then I put the non-perishable stuff like mustards and maple syrup, on the counters. Then I yanked the crisper drawers out and piled them in a corner while I put the butter-all three kinds....why do I have three kinds of butter? Who knows, I JUST DO-on the frozen pile in the sink and then the Lowe's guys start helping me. It was a this point that I fully realized in my overreaction to the news that I was getting a new fridge today I had actually under-reacted. I needed much more than 10 minutes to clear out this behemoth of a refrigerator. I think the guys from Lowe's actually felt sorry for me.


"Hey, that's a NICE bottle of champagne you keep in the fridge! Vodka! In the freezer! You guys must like to party," they quipped.

"Nnhh." was all I could say, wondering why I didn't thow away those two stale hot dog buns last week.

Then the younger one of the two handed me a shriveled carrot, a rotting onion and frozen container of Moroccan stew. I found a six year old sealed box of wine-filled chocolate all the way in the back and a long forgotten jar of quince jam. It is amazing how disgusting a refrigerator can get if you don't evacuate every item periodically. All this time, I'd been doing it a shelf at a time, once a month or so. Or whenever the milk leaked or the juice got knocked over.

Anyway, there were were clearing out the fridge, me and the two delivery guys from Lowe's and I realized that for a family of four, WE HAVE A LOT OF FOOD. Even though there were some things well past their prime, we actually use almost all of what we buy, it' just that we like variety so yeah, having three kinds of jam, three kinds of butter and two varieties of mustard takes up a lot of space. Also, d
id you know that in 12 years one family of four can accumulate 957 packets of soy sauce and 493 ketchup packets?

Finally, all the food was removed and I was knee deep in my own personal bodega-in-a-kitchen when Brownie was wheeled out and
"Biscuit" was installed. Biscuit is a 29" wide fridge that is an inch narrower and 2" shorter than Brownie but 1.6 cubic feet bigger. And bright. There are two lights inside which give off enough light to blind you if you look at the bare bulbs and clear crisper drawers so you can see exactly how much fruit you have rotting and how many eyes your potatoes have sprouted and adjustable glass shelves and a place just for eggs and a clear butter compartment to view all three kinds of butter insane people like me insist on having and holy cow this is the run on sentence your high school English teacher warned you about. It's just that Biscuit is big and clean and energy efficient and 3 months old according to the date of manufacture stamp on the inside and I love her. Even though Brownie froze my lettuce sometimes she made ice like nobody's business and hummed soothingly when the windows were closed and the neighbor's dog wasn't barking (which isn't all that often). We will miss Brownie, she wasn't so bad (except when she didn't work) but Biscuit ROCKS.


6 Comments:

Blogger Andie said...

PHEW! I got tired reading that one! Good luck with the new fridge, at least it's not from, dare I say it, Sears. Welcome to the 21st century.

Blogger Andie said...

PHEW! I got tired reading that one! Good luck with the new fridge, at least it's not from, dare I say it, Sears. Welcome to the 21st century.

Blogger Meredith said...

Yes that was a long post, I know. Sorry to be so long winded. I just couldn't believe how ridiculous this whole morning was.

Blogger CatMar said...

Good luck with Biscuit! I know almost how you feel, having gone through a similar thing a couple of weeks ago. My fridge died (which was much younger than yours) the day before July 4th and I had a BBQ that day with no refrigerator!

Anonymous Mom said...

Good Morning Love,
So Biscuit has arrived, thank goodness. Sorry about the 4 hour window, but it sort of figures with deliveries. Good Luck with the fridge. And as usual you are priceless!!!

Blogger Andie said...

no, not that it was a long post. believe me I enjoyed reading it. it was the 4 hour window....i feel like i'm right there with you when you are going thru this...lol love ya!

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