Cover Letters That Won't Get You Hired

So these cover letters, which are infinitely dorky? They're supposed to sell your personal brand to a prospective employer. Except when you have an advertising background it actually sounds like a hard sell, instead of just a cleverly phrased note designed to grab attention.

After writing these letters for awhile my brain starts melting as I try to think up new! and improved! ways to highlight my accomplishments. Then I get silly, and start out writing the cover letter as I normally would, and just for fun write in something you could never ever say to a hiring manager:

Dear blah blah blah,

I am writing to express to you my interest in the position for blah blah blah. You will find I'm pretty excellent at everything I do, fo' shiz.

Or

I need this job to pay for summer camp. If I have to spend the summer entertaining my kids I will surely go insane.

Or

Eating is fun! Hire me!

Or

I need so-so health insurance which costs a small fortune and doesn't cover much anyway. Hire me, please!

Or

I have a condition called "breadline hysteria." The only known cure is gainful employment.

Or

Courtroom television is starting to entertain me. Quick! Somebody hire me!

Or

The readers of this blog are tired of hearing me whine about cover letters. Hire me and you can end their suffering.