Wednesday, May 30, 2007
You Realize, of course, that this means war
Dear Squirrels,

I really thought we had a good give-take relationship going here. I feed the birds and don't chase you away when you steal their food. We allow you free reign in our yard, and I actually feel bad for you when the mockingbirds try to peck you to death.

So what gives? Why do you continually dig through my flower boxes? Why are you trying to unearth my nasturtium seeds? THEY ARE NOT NUTS. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

I've turned a blind eye to your garden antics in the past. The digging up of the bulbs and the destruction of my my single, solitary corn plant? I haven't even mentioned it until now. Remember when I sprinkled a newly-seeded bed with crushed red chili pepper because I had read that's what the mob does when they bury a body and don't want pests (like squirrels) digging around the shallow grave? That seemed to work for awhile but that was before we had songbirds in the yard. Now there is food in the yard for them, and you are benefitting from that food. SO LEAVE MY FUCKING FLOWER BOXES ALONE!

But the final straw is the fact that I have one more "hen and chick" plant left. Only one. Don't look at me like that. You know which one I'm talking about. I replanted it under the grape vines next to the impatiens in the hopes that it would cover that bare patch and you dug it up. I replanted it and you dug it up again. I have replanted it for the last time. Dig it up again and you will die and the only thing the world will have to prove you roamed this earth is a marker that reads "Here lies Squirrel who dug up a nice lady's plant one too many times."

Do not test me.

The Nice Lady


Blogger Andie said...

OMG that is tooo funny. My mom has the same problem and so do I. They seem to be winning.

Blogger CatMar said...

How funny that post was! Sure hope that squirrel reads your blog.

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