things i have learned the hard way

if you read this, you might avoid some inconveniences and embarrasment. just another service i offer my readers:

• the following items do not get better on their own: strange automobile sounds, holes in pantyhose, leaks of any kind and footpain cause by ill-fitting shoes
• cutting your child's hair yourself may save money but everyone will ask "what happened to him?"
• be careful who you google; sometimes you find stuff out that you just didn't need to know
• chapstick goes through the wash just fine but not the dryer
• even with minimal effort you can't teach a two year old to say "i'm two!" but you can teach him to say "shit" without even trying
• a surefire way to get your husband/boyfriend/significant other to talk to you is to open a book for some "me" time
• homemade oatmeal facials clog plumbing
• it is much cheaper to make a set of keys to keep with a trusted neighbor than to call a locksmith
• when you lose your wallet, the nice lady's husband down the street will find a few credit cards, your license and your jcpenney buy-10-get-one-free bra and panty card
• you boss will never see you when you are up to your eyeballs in projects. but once you have finished and popped out for coffee and a chat on the cell, he will surely turn up and wonder if you have enough to do to
• pulling an immersion blender out of the pot of tomato sauce while it's still running will render every surface in your kitchen a canvas for a pollock-inspired painting called "marinara"